Fear of a more shattered world - he is trying to hide behind his Christianity

Nothing hurts more then loosing a child, of which we lost. One of our twin boy's passed away 19 yrs.ago when they were 4mos. old.

Having to go through all of that and even tho the pain has eased through the years, my world is being torn apart again.

My husband and I have been married going on 31 yrs. I'd say it's been a fairly good marriage and he has given me everything I could ever want, even tho I know loosing our son took a bigger toll on him. Our oldest son is married with our first grandchild and lives in another state and our other son 19 the twin and our daughter 17 are still at home.

I love my kids and feel sad their Dad is turning out to be secretly ,lying sorry ass. But then, who knows how long it's been going on through our marriage. I thought I found my everything when we met and to this day, He still tells me he loves me.

26 yrs. into our marriage , I found out secretly he was trying to get in touch with his high school sweetheart/ X-Fiancee on a site through e-mails. She never responded, until 2011 when I found written letters from her. Confronted my husband and he said they were just friends and where just catching up. Since he knew I found out about the sent letters, he gave her his personal e-mail address. I have found out really nothing, except some more emails through the classmate sire.

Some of the things they had said kind of upset me and I know he has told her that he would like to meet up with her someday to catch-up. I brought her up again over the phone and he was tearry=eyed and said nothing was going on between her and him and that they were just friends.

Through all this time I have nicely e-mailed her and told her how much I loved my husband and could not give up 30 yrs. I had to tell her that, because the last thing she said to him of which I know, Is that, she would love to see him again, but does not what to hurt his wife and kids and the life he has made and had said old feelings are hard to egnore. She told me I had a beautiful heart and glad her X found someone like me, but I think other things were said among them. She has been married before and her second husband just passed away about a yr. ago.

I never heard back from her after my last email staying ,if she thinks old feelings where to surface that she needs to end the corrensponding. Too this day , I don't know if they still are.
Even more worser then finding about her, my husband is kind of on the queit side and it is hard to get him to heart-to-heart talk unless I keep at him like I did right before last Christmas 2012. 2 days before Christmas out of the blue, he say's he is living a life of misery, but does'nt know why and that maybe we should seperate and live our own lives, like his sister has done. I told him I did'nt want that.He ended up again telling me he loves and having sex. I wish I could say, making love.He did tell me he regreted breaking up with his X-Fiancee, but at the time, but that I'm the one he married and the one he loves.

The story thickens and not over yet. He gave me this beautiful bracelet this passed Christmas with all our kids birthstones on it, but at the same time I found out secretly that he was on a adult dating site talking with some 20 some yr. old telling her she was georgeous and take a chance on him and that he was still married. He even told her about our lost son. I did'nt know weather to through the bracelet back in his face, but I just hug him and cried for what he is doing to me.

Since the end of last December up till now, I know he has been on at least 4 adult dating sites, saying he is looking for discreet sex to now where he is saying, looking for a relationship and love all over again, while he continues to constantly lie to me, by telling me he loves me so much and that I satisfy him. I'm trying to be more of a loving wife of which he say's he wants, but I'm doing all I can and giving it to him to, so why is he doing this?. I have not confronted him about theses dating sites, for fear I will loose him (yes, I'm crazy, still love him, he's my world) and I don't want to ruin are teenage son's graduation coming in a couple of weeks want it to be a happy time and our oldest son and family are coming down. For the way I feel inside right now, I just want to pack up and go back to Tennessee with my son when they go back. Maybe it would wake my husband up and he would realalize what he is doing to me and our kids. I don't know if I should tell our oldest son what his dad is doing behind his mother's back, should I ?

He has told me that he would never trade me or our kids for nothing and that loosing our son made him appreciate life more. Ha, I don't see it. He also said that I'm his one and only and has never cheated on me and never will just recently. Ha! Lying again, because he is in the process of making plans on meeting some 20 yr. old ( he will turn 60 next week ) in town for drinks dinner and fun as we speak. I'm now waiting to find a email of where it is going to be and what his excuse is going to be. tho. I know he has three women softball games in a row the is going too this weekend. Bet he won't be at one!. What should I do to make him crap in his pants!?.

I don't look the same as when we meet some 30 years ago, but he say's it's not about my body, but since December he has e-mailed around 116 different women on theses sites, telling them how good they look and nice teet's and all and lies to them about me, saying he is tiered of having to beg and that he is not satisfied anymore and needs something different, just to lie to me and day I do satisfy him. And what is sickening he uses our dead son's name for his usesername or password. What is even more davastating is he is a Christian man. Yes, we all fall short of the Glory of God in need of a Savior, but I think he is trying to hide behind his Christianity. After all this breaks out, I don't know how it will end. I can forgive him in time, if he wants to get help, but I fear the worst!

So hurt, lonely and wounded