I need help =(

by The Joker
(gotham city)

My wife recently told me thet she cheated on me for the first five months out of eight months that we were seperated. Keep in mind we have always been on and of for 3 months at a time, but this time was different...
We are just now ending 8 years of marriage in two weeks. That means that we are going to have the divorce finallized in two weeks.
O.k. let start from the begining. We have always been a couple who argued. we would leave eachouther for months at a time, usually 3, but we always seemed to find eachother again. She never really listend to what I told her about other men when we were fighting. she always suspected me of cheating on her (i guess this might have been a sign, but at the time she was alone at my apartment with my little girl while I was at work.) About 5 years into the Fiasco, She made a real bad mistake. She called a guy friend of hers to pick her up and talk. He was with two other girls. I dont know what really happend that night, but she said that she had alot to drink (about half a bottle of vadka) Now keep in mind, this guy does every type of drug below cocaine, including pills...
I found out she was pregnant a month later... Why couldn't she have just listend? I met him in person and he denied everything. I then told him I was going to advise the authorities, and he said that she got on top of him and was calling out my name for like two minutes. My heart was in shambles. I wanted to DIE, for the first time.
We attempted to get the baby aborted, but time was not on our side, and niether was money. She eventually waited too long, and ahe was forced to have the child.
I could not take the pressure so I went off to california only for a few days. The ability to forget what she had done, kept me over there for a year! I then realized that my little girl needed me. I missed her age of 2 to 3. (I still regret that =()
I returned to find that boy child in my place, I was devistated, but it was nothing compared to what was to come. I was acting like a complete jerk, due to what I was going through, and she got tired of my fitz, and showed me the door. I said fine, and I left.
I thought that I would be able to see my daughter when I pleased, but I was sadly mistaken. She told the cops that she did not trust me, and I was not allowed to see my little girl. The cops told me that the only way I was allowed to see my little girl is if I had orders by the judge, and the only way to get orders was to pay child support, and the attorney general said that I had to get divorced, beacause we were still married.
I then filed for a diverce in Feb 2009. Keep This date in mind, It is real important! We then seperated for 8 months.
In October we got back together. We kept our relationship secret from out parents. again we were fighting every once in a while, but we were back stronger.
It was not until recently, like three weeks ago, that she told me she cheated on me for real. I was dumb-founded. I was talking to her on the phone one night, and I said I was considering raising the other child, it was then that she realized she could no longer continue to lie to me. it was now october, one year since we had been together. She had been lying to me for a year! I went on a depression bing for two days and three nights, I failed three exams, and I was a wreck. I couldn't stop crying. during this time she told me some of the story, but she claimes it was only 5 times with 5 diffrent men, and for 5 months (how convinient, the set of fives). she said that it was only missonary and about 10 min each. (double 5's) she claimes that she didn't enjoy it, and that she had no recolection as to more than that, except that they did all the work and she left right after. It hurt me because I had always fixed her car, and I had recently taken it to get breaks done.
I continue to binge, and fail my classes, The only joy in life I have is when I am playing with my little girl.
This whole marriage I have been trained to keep to myself, so I have trouble even acknowledging other girlsI pay my child support, so I get to see my girl every other week. I am a mess. I want to go to rehab, but I am not good around other people. It seems like numbness is what my mind craves.
Because my wife did what she did, she was sent to get a biopsy done because the docter said she might have cervical cancer. I doubt it, but maybe. The worst part is that if she has it, then we all have it...
She was just starting to realize what the consequences of her actions were, when she became mean again. She treats me like garbeage and just take her insults. the test is on the 27th so we will know then. Till then, she continues to run all over me, but I can't be alone, I might lose the little sanity that I have. =S
I have never cheated on her, and I don't know how to tell her...During sex, I couldn't stop my mind from thinking about what she had done. When we were finished I was disgusted! I am worried thst my passion for her has been erased. I dont crave her anymore. except as an object, but recently I don't even crave the object. Maybe if she cheated on me, and I was also involved, but if that happens I will surly kill myself (I might be in the moment when I say this) but the idea is so repulsing that I am getting nauscious just typing it and my stomach knots............
I am going bonkers, and I can't contain my laughter...