I'm a Cheater and Want it to Stop

by CG
(Indiana)

My story began about 10 years ago- a few months after I married my husband. His libido took a major dive, and no matter what approach I used, it never came back. No intimacy, no seduction, no tender touches no sparks at all. I tried so many ways to get him interested again, but it just isn't in his genetic makeup. Guidance from his physician hasn't even helped. When sex is mentioned, he treats it as something to joke about, instead. After so many years of this, one tends to feel completely unwanted and unattractive. I hit an unbearable depression. Finally, I gave him an ultimatum; either let me have a divorce or let me see other men. He chose to let me see others.

At first, I was like a kid in a candy store. I felt desireable and alive again. Eventually, I found that I still felt empty inside and coming home at night only brought back the reality of my situation. There was no meaning to it all. Even if there were a possibility of love with a playmate, I would never be able to follow through with it. Nothing was complete- not my home life and not my life outside the home. Seeing others became too hurtful. My best bet was to stop going out, so I did.

I finally asked my husband for a divorce. He moved out but it was a very difficult time. I offered him everything imaginable such as child support leniency, free dinners if he would ever want to stop in, unlimited visitation with his daughter, whatever it would take to make it a smooth transaction for everyone involved. Unfortunately, this didn't work. He couldn't bear the idea of divorce and I couldn't stand seeing him hurting so much. He's a good man, really. But now I'm back to being unhappy and lonely again at home.

Now I'm in love with my best friend. This man has lifted me up from that depression and has made me proud of the woman I am in every way. Through the course of 5 years, he has had me on a pedastal and has helped me through some very trying times. Although he and I haven't been intimate for a few years, we still love each other greatly and communicate nearly every day. My husband knows of him, of course, but I don't think he realizes how deeply I love this man. Therefore, I am a cheater.

How can I convince my husband to finally let me go? Why would anyone settle for letting their spouse see others instead of just ending something that had been over long ago? I can't live like this anymore and I need out of this charade. This house is not a home to me.