My Life is A Mess

by Jezabel

I'm in my mid thirties. I have a dead end job making minimum wage. I'm divorced and currently living with an alcoholic who is slowly but surely killing himself by his drinking and self imposed pancreatitis. I used to drink heavily but haven't in over a year. When I was still married I would go to the bar and drink and end up sleeping with strangers. I was with 6 different men before my husband divorced me. I regret everything so much I'm feeling suicidal. I know rarely get to see my kids who are both special needs. I can't afford to take care of them or even to drive to go see them. I don't have custody. I've lost everything, including the will to live. I have no money. No jobs skills. Minimum job history because I was a stay at home mom for 10 years. I used to do everything for my kids. Now I'm lucky if I even get to see them on the weekends. I have no idea what I want to go to school for but I know I need to go to college if I'm going to ever get payed more than minimum wage. My current boyfriend is 20 years older than me. Yes. We met in a bar. He's verbally abusive to me when he's drinking. He threatens to slash the tires sometimes so I can't drive anywhere. He threatens to kick me out when he knows I can't afford it and have no where else to go. I've never even lived on my own. I'm trying to save what little money I can so that I can move away and no longer have to watch him drink himself to death or put up with his abuse. I see no way out of the misery I've caused myself. I've destroyed my family. My marriage. Everything. What should I do to get out of this situation and better my life? I have no family that is willing to help me. I don't do drugs or drink. I would never cheat on anyone again. Lesson learned there. I have so much regret, I can hardly find the will to live. How can I ever feel good again after all the stuff I've done?