Strippers , Lap dances, Singles websites with chatting - married for 24 years!

by Heart broken mom

Strip clubs, lap dances, Singles websites with chatting - married for 24 years!

My husband and I have been married for 24 years. We have 5 kids and what I thought was a great life!! I have just recently found out that for about the last 18yrs he has been strip clubbing with lap dances and on many singles and swingers websites chatting with local people in our city.
When he decided to tell me I told him that I would promise to listen with compassion and try to be non judgmental. That I could own some of the blame of our sex life being so so because I have been so wrapped up in our kids.

I am a very involved mom. I told him that I believed we could work through it, but he had to promise to be honest. You can't build back a relationship if there isn't honesty right?

Well every bit of information he has given me has been just a smidgen of truth. I have had to drag out each piece of information.
This behavior has been as recent as 4 months ago. I adore my husband. I have loved him for almost half of my life! It makes me physically ill to think of another woman putting her fanny in my husbands face, rubbing and grinding all over him and him burying his face in her boobs to tip her!

The women he has been chatting with are quite skanky! I haven't been able to eat, or sleep. My weight has gone down in the one hundred and teens. I am not the youngest chick on the block, but I am not unattractive.

And I am not the kind of wife that just lays there with her eyes closed until it is over either!! I have gotten quite a bit of unsolicited attention from men my whole life.

I have gone out of my way not to pay attention to men, and my husband always points out that they are staring at me.
I have never felt the need to check up on him. Never! He is my lover, my friend. We have grown up together!

He is a computer guy so he spends allot of time on the computer. He travels with his work and this is when he frequents the strip clubs.

The song that says "I didn't to be in love you had to fight to have the upper hand."
Talk about dumb-founded and stupid!! I have been so naive!!

Why on earth would he be out carousing and looking for this other stuff? He says he loves me. He says he loves our family.

He says he hasn't cheated. He says that it was because he was bored...(5 kids at home!) He says he doesn't consider any of it cheating, and that it is not personal it's just porn!

Funny, it feels personal to me. I feel like he has betrayed me. He was sneaking around for 18yrs doing stuff he knew that he darn well shouldn't be doing! And it is scary that he was so good at keeping it hidden.

He has lied about every piece of information he's given to me. He swears that he has told me everything and that there is nothing more to tell. At this point, I am terrified to ask any more!

I just don't know what to do.
My head knows that these things he has been doing are just "stuff" and that he hasn't been unfaithful to the full extent of sex.

But my heart is broken!! It feels like infidelity to me.

So I am asking the classic question of "is it infidelity if...." But please, I need to hear from people that have been married for a while.

At this point in my life I can't take any of the "well...like...my bf just looked at the girl in the car next to me. Is it like...cheating on me?" :) ha ha ha I guess it's good that I still have some laughter left!

But seriously, I think it is cheating. He thinks it is just porn. Am I making too big of a deal of this? I feel like I Should insist that it stop. Can a person stop such behavior after so many years?

We are going to couples counseling, but I just don't feel like my husband get's it. He doesn't think it's that big of a deal.

And I am truly heart broken!!

Comments for Strippers , Lap dances, Singles websites with chatting - married for 24 years!

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Strippers
by: Eric

I have been married 17 years, I am a man btw, and I must say your husband is correct, he is NOT cheating. If strippers really bother you, then he ought to respect you enough to quit going....he may be being dishonest to you, he may be hurting your feelings, but there is a big difference between watching a girl strip and maybe dance on you for 2 minutes because you pay her $20 than allowing a woman to suck you or putting your d**k into her, a huge difference, you may not like strippers, and u have every right not too, but they really are usually nothing but a big tease!! Why don't you try this ONE TIME, JUST ONE TIME ....go with him one night, tell him to act just like he does when your not there....maybe PRETEND you're a stripper one nite.....don't let this ruin a marriage! Maybe he likes all the attn he gets there? (Hint).... Maybe it really bothers you sooo much that you have to tell him, either stop going or we r done?? But maybe when he is out of town he just likes the attn and he goes there because he doesn't want to pick up a girl at the bar or call an escort...he loves u!
re internet cheating
by: Anonymous

I live with my bf and his mom, and my daughter. We have been together now for a year and six months. I fell madly inlove with him an he seemed to of loved me too. Over the lengh of our relationship i have noticed our sex life went from every time we saw each other to once a week. Then last january i found three naked picof him self on his computer. He said he did them for a valentine gift for me. I knew he was lieing then. Then a couple weeks ago i found a bookmark on his computer of a adult dating site with the sign in name on it. So i did a search for that name an i saw his add with the new pick looking for a sex buddy. I confronted him he said since accused him of doing that he put them on there cause he was pissed. I did another search on the top ten sites and found him on most of them some saying in a relationship looking for a f buddy on the low down all these sites had new pics. He swares he didnt cheat an none of these sites were paying members. I feel humulated an just sick to my stomach. He sware to me when we first got together i never have to worry about him cheating but the proof is in his add wrote by him. I love him so much cant look at him with out loving him but i dont know if i can get past this, i cant stand the lies an he never tells the truth so we can talk about our issues.i cant even find out why he did it.
Men really suck -"well then shoudn't it be bred into us to assume the position for any male that grunted at us?"
by: Anonymous

I have just found out that my partner has been looking at women on the net, and chatting with them.

Not professional women, just women looking for whatever. I feel totally betrayed. He doesn't consider it wrong because there is no touching, but I feel this is just his bullshit way of trying to justify his actions.

And why should we as women have to put up with this crap. I don't swallow this biological built in need shit. I think a man has invented that load of BS.

If we were to believe that as a reason, well then shoudn't it be bred into us to assume the position for any male that grunted at us?

As yet I haven't decided what I am going to do, but if your husband has been doing this for 18 years he is not going to change. And after 18 years, he's not sorry...he's just sorry he got caught.
loss of trust
by: Anonymous

I have just found out my partner of 10 years. We have 5 kids. Has been sending emails asking to meet women from sex sites for at least the past 2 years. Apparently in has done nothing Joe never intended to.,yeah ok not! And has never received a reply but my point is why do it? If if was unhappy why not pay so. I asked him this and if said but im very happy! Bet you are mate well i an not. Even if if has done nothing so far what would if have done if he had
Gotten a reply and after all his kids how do i know if hasn't?
If he lied...
by: Anonymous

The lying troubles me. Him lying about it for all those years meant that HE KNEW it would hurt you if you found out. Rather than being a mature human being and trying to ease away from it (or get help if he truly has an addiction), he lied. I think the lying is what makes this a true infidelity.

I went through a similar situation, on a micro-scale. I do not like to watch porn myself, so he lied. In the very beginning before it got excessive (big time excessive, me-in-the-room-sleeping-excessive) I didn't care overly-much, I figured "guys will be guys"... then, when I realized how much he was actually watching, that he had a "favorites" list, and that he wasn't interested in me sexually anymore, I realized I didn't have to be okay with it. If he truly loved me he would have tried harder to break his addiction and been more honest with me.

If you're in a happy and stable relationship, you shouldn't need porn. It's not "guys being guys"; it's a social construct that is a hold-over from the days when a man taking a mistress was acceptable. We still live in a patriarchal society, subtle as it is.

Assuming that men *need* porn is not only insulting to us women who are told repeatedly that it's okay we'd better just get used to it, it's insulting to men. They should want better for themselves.
I understand
by: Anonymous

I too have been married for 24 years and recently found out my husband had been unfaithful to me early on in our marriage. Twice when we were engaged and twice after we were married, and on two of these occasions it was with a prostitute.
The utter devastation I felt was unimaginable. If you haven't been through this, you wouldn't understand.
As yet I haven't decided if I'll be staying. My husband is deeply sorry for his actions and is truly repentant.
Your situation is different though. You still don't trust him, and with the attitude you describe, it doesn't sound like he's likely to change. If he entered into marriage, then he has made a contract to be loyal and faithful to YOU, forsaking ALL others. If he has had sex with anyone else then he has broken that contract. If however he hasn't had sex, the marriage is still valid. Finding out the truth sounds like it will be difficult. Continue with counseling as something may come out of that that confirms your fears.
There's a bible quote that says (Matthew 5:27-28) . . .?You must not commit adultery.? But I say to YOU that everyone that keeps on looking at a woman so as to have a passion for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. . .'

Sobering words indeed. If he hasn't had sex with someone else, he at least has committed adultery with her in his heart. I can only comment on your side of the story, but from what you say he doesn't sound like he wants to change for indeed feels he needs to.
To stay or not is a difficult decision. Only you can make it. But don't make a hasty decision. Give yourself time to assess the whole situation. The only decision you should make is NOT to make any big decisions now. You have nothing to be ashamed of, he does. Suggest to him that divorce is an option you're considering. Gauge his reaction. If he doesn't seem to care, you have your answer. If he panics, tell him the conditions on which you'll stay ie: no more filthy behavior, going to clubs, letting you know where he is and when he'll be back etc. Also suggest that you want to get tested for diseases. This MAY knock a LITTLE bit of sense into him. If it does, well and good, if not I think you know what you have to do.
I hope some of this helps.
He won't stop. - "Men can easily compartmentalize their feelings"
by: Anonymous

Married 18 years. Same story. No cheating, just lap dances. What do you think a lap dance is?

It is everything before the final act. Only that one little thing missing. The fantasy, lust and foreplay minus the orgasm.

To me, worse than 'cheating'. They sell a fantasy, even better than reality. You will never move beyond this if he thinks it is no big deal.

You must feel he understands and accepts your feelings. They are real and not wrong!

Don't fall for that 'he didn't cheat technically'. Men can easily compartmentalize their feelings.

The fact that he is telling himself, and you, it is no big deal means he is essentially justifying behavior that has devastated you and your marriage.

And to the idiot who pointed out the obvious, that men like strippers....yes they like women, sex and all things related.

But, they make a choice to honor the woman they love. So why are you on this site?
Just porn?
by: Anonymous

if he has been hiding porn for 18years he is having sex with other women. Leave him.
Your r not crazy
by: Anonymous

This is not your problem so stop blaming yourself. He is responsible for his behavior. Your husband is an sex addict. This has nothing to do with you. You did not cause this in him. Even if your husband married his favorite porn star within a few times after being with her he would feel the same about her that is being bored with the same excuses he has with you. Do yourself a favor and stop blaming yourself. This his shame not yours. Stop beating your self up. You are not alone in your feelings. Many women feel the same when their husbands are sex addicts. For you go to counseling for you to be come aware of your options. Go to a medical doctor to get tested for all dieases. Dont believe him, you are right. Its hard to wake up and realize that love is not enough in a relationship because it was he would not be doing what he is doing. Also this is not normal healthy behavior for anyone. So dont buy into his crap. Listen to your little voice inside that is whispering your are right. I promise you your inner voice never lies. Good Luck and I pray for you. I myself just recently ended a marriage so like yours and now today I am free from all of the lies an free to return to my true joy and peace. I have no regrets only gratiude for waking up.
Get over it?
by: Anonymous

He is a man, men like strippers. If it is true he didn't actually have any sex then consider yourself lucky.

Almost any man will go to a strip club if he gets the chance.
Good luck
by: Minnie as in too many times screwed over

I've been married 41 years and just learned this past summer of the scum I have been married to.

Professional man, we have 3 grown children, currently raising a 9 year old grandchild. If your husband has been doing what you said for 18 years, I wish you luck.

Me-I would tell him to leave. It will be very hard for you and there will be lots of tears and anger.

I don't know if I will ever get over it. I think I could deal better with his death than for what he has done.

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