What I learned from cheating -"I want somebody who would tell me he misses me and wants to hug me.."

by Kathrine
(USA)

I am a smart woman. I never lied to myself or had false expectations of what I can expect from a website full of cheaters. Just like me. But I always hoped that if I am forthcoming and open I will get the same in return.

We are lying to our spouses right, so we can at least afford this one piece of honesty? Mistake number one. I thought I found what I was looking for. Somebody who can be my friend, care and make me smile and fulfill my emotional needs. Mistake number two.

We, the cheaters, are cowards who decide that cheating is the way of solving the emotional and sexual problems in our relationships. The voids, the lack of exciting sex, the feeling of being alive again. It's not in the marriage, so instead of being brave enough to confront the issue and move on with our lives, even if it means divorce, we are looking for substitutes.

I don't feel sorry for myself, him, his wife or my husband. It's not their fault that we can't find everything we need in the marriage. I am not ashamed of them or for us either. Relationships change and people move on, or allow themselves to get stuck in unhappy marriages and cheat. People settle, it's easier. The whole "I love my wife, but sex is lacking", or whatever excuse is just that, an excuse.

If we are on Ashley Madison there is a problem. Love is gone, or the love people need to feel alive. And if we are on there longer, it's never coming back. It's our fault that we are still with them, lying, cheating and humiliating them. I don't want to be them.

But I don't want to turn into him either. Doing this dance for years, the sex with strangers, the chats, the pictures. Not for me. I only cheated one time. It made me realize several things. I want exclusiveness.

I want a real relationship, warmth and closeness, long walks and spending mornings cuddled in bed. I hoped it can start from an affair. That's a lie. It can't.

Men who have affairs are self-absorbed cowards, who are looking for somebody who would make them feel younger and desirable. Then they go back to Lisa, Ashley or Susan and act as if they didn’t just pull their pants up in a hotel room. That makes them feel like Gods.

I am an emotional creature and I want somebody who can invest emotions in a relationship. Time, effort, communication, feelings. I want the real deal. I am not playing the waiting game. The "I will have time to talk in a little bit" which turns into 2 days.

No. I want somebody who would tell me he misses me and wants to hug me and watch a movie with me. I am not anybody's sex toy. And I can't just talk about sex. Without the intimate connection, sex is as good as paying for a prostitute.

I don't want to hurt or be hurt anymore. Cheating made me realize. Men need sex. I need more.