Wife's letter to cheating husband

by inside a womens mind
(indiana)

As i sit here at 2:30am unable to sleep for the 3rd night in a row, i wonder how i could possibly get past this. my heart hurts so deeply it is making me nausious, even after the most incredable sex we have ever had i wonder was it truley love or were you just faking through it because i told you this is what i need. now the only things i can think of are all the times in my mind i already knew & and you denied every time. you say you never wanted to hurt me but if that was true then why didnt you stop when you knew it was killing me? i now remember all of the signs, the nail scratches on your back that you told me you didnt know what happened, you told me you never slept her then came home and slept me but we were having sex the night i saw them. then the charges from your work for extensive phone calls that you said you didnt make but wouldnt ask for a copy of the bill to prove they were full of shit. the quick friend that showed up out of nowhere, the need for me to like her even after i stressed how much i didnt like her. the blatent gift purchases with me present even trying to get me to help pick them out. the phone calls in front of me, the need to be gone even when i begged you not to leave, all of those things lead me to believe my feeling or hurt were not important, you say it only got physical 2 times but all the signs say different. becuase of that i feel this was much more extensive then the month & 2 sexual encounter you admit to. i believe this was also an emotional affair for you that started when these signs began at least 4 months before i physicaly saw you together, which hurts more then the sex side of things. i think it only stopped when you truly thought i would leave & take everything that was important to you, as much i need to heal from this i need you to be completely honest with me about everything no matter how bad it hurts. i have kept this inside for far to long & destroyed any relationship we had. i really want to rebuild our relationship but i am uncertain that it is possible without knowing what lead to this betraile in the first place. why was i not enough for you? how do i know things will never get to that point again? how do i close my eyes at night & not see these visions of you with her & you not giving our life a 2nd thought? i have cryed myself to sleep to many times or had nightmares about this more often then not. the biggest question is why,why, why? you say you dont know why i dont think i can accept that. i know you well enough to know you like to please a women. so i dont for a min believe that there was no oral forplay involved on either part. so then my head wonders was she better then me? you say it wasnt worth it, so then why did it continue more then once? the tears hurt in my throte & i feel like i lost part of myself. our sex life this week has been amazing but it doesnt make it go away, it dosent help me get over it, it only makes me think more about you being unsatisfied with our life together, i was completly unaware that our realtionship was missing anything to cause such a thing to happen & the only problem you ever want to talk about has always been money & nothing more, but she wasnt providing you with money so there were obvisuley other issuse you could or should have talked about before then. as i have already told you i was not completely innocent in our marriage & have done things i shouldnt have done, i have always been completely honest with you about those things, i would never hide something like that from you for such an extended period of time. you told me she started it, so then i wonder how easy was it to get you to go along? how easy will it be for somone else to get you to go along again? i realize this happened a very long time ago but as you have said i hold things in until i cant take it anymore, this is the first we have talked about this openly since, so now is when i cant take it anymore & we need to clear this all out now so i can get past it. you say your embaressed, can you even imagine how embaressed i was? or still am for staying? the fact that even after it was right in front of my eyes i pretended nothing was wrong. i know that you will probley get angry that i havent gotten over it yet but you & i both blocked dealing with it for so long i am forever scarred. i may never be able to get past it but i hope after i get answers to ALL of my questions i will have nothing left for us to talk about so i will never need to bring it up again, i will forgive you at some point but know i will never forget the pain that i felt & still feel. I only hurt because i love you & have always loved you so deeply, to me it feels like the love was only onesided. you have provided for me & my children quite well for many years which i have always been thankful for even if i didnt show it. we need to move on together happy so please be completely open & honest with me & let me take time to process all of this openly even if it takes longer then you think it should. we could have already moved on if when it happened you would not have closed yourself off from me with the denial & more lies to save me from hurting, because it didnt save me anything it just stayed locked inside for too many years. I LOVE YOU so much & need to feel that love in return, you have done well with this since we first talked about it the other night so i am hoping that you can be very honest about all of these questions & the others that i sure will come up as these are answered. its the only way i can see us moving forward together happy & in love. You know me well enough to know that if im writing all of this in a letter i have very strong feeling about it & i think it could help. i will cry, i will be upset, i dont need sorries any more just truthful answers sorry doesnt make it go away. i am going threw a grieving process, I was in the denial & anger stage of grieving for years this is my bargaining stage & slowly im trying to move threw the hurt now so i hope you will help me get to the acceptance. there is no way to go back so we need to clear the air so we can only move foward. i am already feeling better just letting you know how i feel. as i said i have many questions that im sure i dont want hear the answers to but i need to with complete honesty from you. its now 4:15am & now you know why i dont sleep.